Self – destraction

Am I a slacker? I question myself very often now. Am I? Why can’t I be useful? Why not complete what I star and be someone? What is wrong with me? Think I have diagnosed myself. I have low self-esteem and regret. Yaps that’s what it is.

Well we all have our regrets. Should have. Could have. Would have and why’s.

  • I shouldn’t have waked off that amazing IT company.
  • I should have finished my studies.
  • Why did I cut all ties with my close friends?

As far as I remember, these are the main regrets in my life. most of all, I regret walking out of that amazing IT company. I would have been someone. Earning handsomely and getting two bonus a year and may be a little bit if travelling too. Now I’m stuck here. Earning peanuts. Taking shit from Christian hypocrites all because I have no choice. Sad but that’s the truth. My cv is just years of service with a high school diploma and certificate of a six-month course on marketing. I have a freaking wedding loan to pay, which I was forced to take because my husband wanted a big wedding. Yeesh. He could afford a big wedding and he wanted me to contribute as well. Selfish, isn’t it? He has given me all the comforts but sadly, I cannot afford myself. I do save a little bit after paying off the loan. I will be loan free in a good 3 years.

I’m stuck at where I work. Afraid to walk out and find a better paying job. Just don’t want more regrets. Afraid.“What If’s” control my life often. Who will want to hire me?

Last year, I started a small online clothes store. Had minor set-backs but by the tie they were resolved, I have lost interest. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I keep throwing more and  more “Why’s” at myself and keep drowning in self-pity. I’m destroying my own self.


Get over it and grow up.

Stop beating yourself down woman.


Regrets keep following me, day and night.





Is this life?

'Harry, do you remember how dull our lives were before we got the cat?'I’m sitting in one corner on the laptop surfing and my husband on the other corner playing FIFA 17, having a drink. This is how we spend most of our weekends and other little holidays. We haven’t said a word to each other for a good 3 so hours. In situations like this, usually I take the initiative in saying to him or give him a little peck when I pass his little throne, but today, I just didn’t bother doing any of that.Guess he didn’t bother too.  Made him a small bite to go along with his drink. He just took the plate and said nothing. I took my little share of bite and settled in a little corner and enjoyed South Park for a while and then I got bored.

Is this life? is this what marriage’s all about?? I know that you should give each other space to do our own thing but aren’t you suppose to do couple things together as well? Why are we slaves to our devices??? What happened to conversations?

My husband does not fancy going out. His hobby is playing on the PS, drinking and smoking. I’ve told him so many times to give up on his nicotine. We even ordered nicotine patches. He uses them only during the weekend but on top of that patch, he continues to smoke. Whats the point?? Seriously.He said he has limited his smoking for 5 cigarettes per day and it has remained 5 for the past 24 months. LOL. He doesn’t like me whining about it. So I stopped and backed off.

I love staying at home too but don’t mind doing couple activities, such as going on a date, movie or a walk occasionally. He doesn’t mind going out for dinner or drinks with HIS friends, of course he tags me along but don’t want to do couple activities. Even when I suggest going out, he flips. What gives dude? have asked him about it on several occasions and during several fights but haven’t gotten a solid answer.

Life has gotten so-so for me. Waking up in the morning, making breakfast, tea, shower and go to work and come back prepare dinner, make his cup of tea when he calls when his close by and go back to bed by 9.30pm since his too tired and exhausted. Well, I’m bloody exhausted too.  I can’t complain, and if I do, he will top it with how exhausted he is and say that my job isn’t important mainly because I earn peanuts. Sigh. I work as a personal assistant and to be honest the pay isn’t that great and so is my self-esteem and now I’m at war with a certain douche who wanted me to leave the jobs!!!  I’m not his rival. Still he declared war and tried to turn me against my new boss yesterday. Wow what a dramatic day that was.


That’s my current stage. Trying to figure out where I belong.  Mainly, I’m trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life. Am I too late?

Little hypocritical insects

So there I was up at 5.30 in the morning and making waffles and just like that I decided that I’m taking the day off . In office things for me has gotten ugly.

It’s been one year since the management changed and things were getting bad to worse.I don’t know what or how I’m feeling but in general, I’m happy!

I’m married to this amazing guy who works hard and he loves and cares for me so much and I love him to bits, and then there’s my office life! It’s very bitter, dark and angry and my religious colleagues keeps triggering my anger towards them regularly.  Soon it will be five years working with these Christian buffoons.Just need to hang  on for another  six more months and my five-year will be completed.

Like everybody else, I need the money. I have a loan to pay, so walking out is just a big no, even though I have pictured it so many times in my head.

Initially working with these guys was amazing.  I didn’t get along with my boss the first two months but gradually I learnt and things were in place. It felt like home and we all were one big happy family.

Everything took a turn last September when my boss decided that it was time for him to retire from being the big CEO. He recommended a successor and said that he will be a good boss and will look after all of us well and take the company to the next level. It all turned out to be crap during the year.  I’m already fed up of being his Personal Assistant. He just sits in front of his computer and watches his bank account grow and pays his utility bills. For me, his just a blank vessel who does his bible devotions as soon as he gets to office. I’ve have categorized him as a silent yet deadly hypocrite! Be a good boss dammit. when I go to him for an opinion or a solution he directs me to the CFO. Ask the CFO he says. ‘WTF’ I keep repeating in my head. So now I look up to the CFO just like the rest of the flock. Help me, guide me, teach me dear CFO.

The change of management and its attitude has given the opportunity to other little hypocritical insects to emerge from its tiny black holes. There’s so much of drama and I just burst out when things are just looking abnormal.  In my heart I know that it’s time for me to move on. Just six months, I keep tell myself to calming my little heart. Six more months with these Christian hypocrites. And the best part is that they do everything by the name of the Lord! LOLmjaxmi05yjjhotzkmwmwmtm5yty3

Third Person

“Third person”
Are you that person?
When people refer to you as the third person or mistress,
How does that make you feel?
Does it bother you?
Or is it just another cock you sucked for the day?

They are in love.
Vows were exchanged,
They said “I do”

Relationships are not perfect.
I’m sure you know that.
Bumps and bruises, that’s what makes them stronger.
Stop throwing yourself at him.

Families are involved.
Try to care.
Do you even know what you are destroying?

Feelings, do you have them?
Do you even know her?
What she’s going through.

What if you are in her position someday?
How would you react then?
She’s a girl just like you. Remember that.
Sensitive and hopeful.
She has started to build her life,
One by one her dreams are coming true.
Don’t envy her, try to wish her well.
And one day your dreams will also come true.
So let him be, let them live their life in peace.
Just remember,
Being the third person, will not do you any good…

Strangers with memories

torn-apartA wolf dressed in sheep’s skin.
That’s who you are now.
So much darkness within you,
I wish you were dead.
There’s no room for forgiveness,
And will not consider forgiving you, forever!
You have scarred me for life.
In my head, I’m hunting you,
Getting ready to put you down in the most brutal way!

I Scream silently inside head.

You have cut me deep.
Signalized me among our own friends.
A hypocrite! That’s what you are.
A pretender at Sunday mass!
Standing proud yet wicked,
Making sure you are the boss and ahead of everyone.
That’s how you want things to flow.
Mentally and emotionally you used me,
And then threw me as if I was a piece of garbage.
I was your friend.
For the sake of popularity, you scarified me.
You scarified our friendship.
I got no regard for you anymore.
What you have built throughout these years,
Are on pretend foundation,
Eventually you will tire after holding on to such a heavy load.
I hope it’s all worth it because we are not friends anymore,
Just strangers, with memories…

Barely holding on

I realized that I am the biggest hypocrite of them all.
I tell everyone to keep holding on,
That there’s light at the end of the tunnel,
And that everything gets better as long as you continue to wait, patiently.
I keep telling people to have hope.
That they need to keep trying because it is too early to give up,
And that they have so much to live for.
Then there is me,
I am barely holding on.

A run through the park

Tall trees and a narrow brick path,
I’m at the park at dusk.
Not a soul at sight,
Regardlessly, I continued my run down the brick path.
I felt as if the path is becoming longer and longer,
And a sudden feeling of being watched.
Chilly wind brushing against my sweaty body,
I could hear my own palpitations.
Feeling of being watched is getting stronger by the second.
I looked back; a tall figure was spotted,
Hidden among the tall trees,
I start to run faster towards the street lights.
I’m in front of the city hall, and a matter of crossing the street.
Not a single soul to be spotted yet I was feeling safe.
Across the road I stood, forgotten what I was running from.
I was mesmerized by the city hall.
Felt as if the city hall was inviting me in.
As I took a step forward,
A team of black horses was running on the streets out of nowhere.
I took a final look around,
Except for the black horses, there was none.
Gently made my way through the horses and towards the city hall, Opening its large wooden doors.
As I walked in, doors closed behind me.
And that’s all I could remember…

Little white lies

I envy the new girl at your work place
She’s an achiever just like you
Beauty and brains all compacted in one
Ahead of me in every way
Where do I stand compared to her?
“Little white lies” keep piling up
You say it’s to protect me
But it bothers me even more
Are you really protecting me?
Situation is messing with my head
Twist and turns
Anxiety and over thinking
Has paranoia found me once again?
I get more agitated and restless each passing day
Where do I stand compared to her?
Not knowing if I’m being promoted or demoted?
Girlfriend or detective?
What’s my role?
Why must I go through this situation repeatedly?
Where do I stand compared to her?


To a faraway land you have drifted.
Difficulty I swallow the pain.
Between uncertainties I stood still,
As a result you drifted away.
My suspension took the best of us.
No more you and I.
As I suck up my heart ache,
I smile hard and strong,
Looking at the could have, should have, and would haves.
It’s too late now,
You’re gone.
Curled up and crying in the darkness,
I’m Sulking!
Looking at you, smiling bright and happy.
I lost the beautiful you.
Happiness has dawned in your life
But your happiness is pinching me to death.

Cracked Friendship

107828dl4rsiffxjBetty and Lucy have been Best of Friends for more than 35 year. Both are successful in their own field of expertise and came from aristocrat families. Betty has been busy getting ready for her companies 25th anniversary. While she was at Lucy’s last Saturday she had asked one of her helpers to prepare her some caramel toffees for the celebrations and she agreed. Same evening she delivered all the necessary ingredients for the preparation of the toffees. But she forgot to mention Lucy about the preparation.
While returning from a fun Sunday outing, Betty wanted to stop at Lucy’s to pick the caramel toffees. Lucy came out to greet her and the helper gave the toffees to Betty and went off. But something was not right and Betty didn’t have a clue. Gleefully she went on and on about her Sunday and she asked Lucy if her mom was available so that she can remind her about the anniversary celebrations but Lucy didn’t seems to like the idea and suggested Betty to ring her up tomorrow and remind her. Since Lucy was in a bad mood, Betty though it must have been work stress. Hours passed and Betty’s phone began to ring and it was Lucy’s helper weeping and wailing. Apparently Lucy had screamed at her for making caramel toffees for Betty and had been nasty towards the helper the whole day. When Betty heard about what happened she felt upset and hurt about the fact that her best friend acted in such cruel way. Mostly she felt disappointed about the fact that she did not recognize that side of Lucy.
When Scott returned home from his business trip Betty poured her sadness out in tears. Scott understood situation and explained to Betty saying it’s mostly because of the ego and advised her to send a messaging saying she’s sorry for what happened and to forgive her best friend for the caused hurt. But Betty didn’t want to communicate with Lucy. But Scott knew, gradually Betty will find the heart to forgive Lucy but was not sure if the cracked friendship will mend.