Extra Pound

Bored. There’s nothing good on tv. I’m on the laptop. The house is a mess. I have manged to keep the dirty laundry neatly in a corner.

I need a change. A new look perhaps.

Yes, that’s what I need! A new look and to shed a few pounds. I’m fed up of hearing how fat I am. Back in the day I used to get hurt and weep  but I’m not that anymore. I’m stronger now. My defense systems are fully functional. I turn in to a bitch when I hear the word fat.

Why would you even say things like that? Especially when you meet me after a very long time. If you got nothing good to say apart from “Hi, How have you been?” don’t say anything. Wait for my reply. No need to go that extra mile to compliment on my appearance.

Yes, I have gained a few pounds since we last met. Cravings I tell you!!! Lately it has been KFC. I’m in control now. Since then I’ve lost 4 pounds.

I see myself every morning when I get dressed to work. I no longer can get into my favorite dress. It’s not that bad, but I have to work out and cut down on deserts and I have! For the past two months, I have controlled my cravings and skip dinner.

You have gotten fat too, but do I say it? No I don’t. I know how it feel. I know the pain of starvation. I know the feeling of ignoring a cravings.

I will lose weight. I will shed those extra pounds. Not for you, for me.

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Moving on

Curiosity got the best of me today and yes, they are a couple, out in the open.

I’m stalking his facebook and comparing it with hers. When we last spoke he mentioned her, that they liked each other. I didn’t go to question him any further about it, not sure it it was a rebound or if he has really moved on and fallen in love. What’s in it for me? even if they are in love? Right????

I just want to feel it, the jealousy. I let it hover over me. I chose to be miserable. I can feel all the goodness and peace, leaving me.

It’s been two years. I’m happy and have moved on. I shouldn’t feel jealous of him?

Short hair. Braces. She’s cute. She looks sane and a devoted christian just like him. He likes cute. He likes posh.

He called me, 4 months back. We have a casual chat, it was awkward.I asked him if he’s seeing anyone. He said no but I knew and kept pushing for an answer and finally he gave in and admitted that he likes someone. I felt sad after we hung up. Why did I get upset? It was bound to happen. Get over it!

Just want to slap these feelings off of me and I keep reminding myself how I was treated by him. How I was neglected. But HER, he’s devoted to her.

By stalking them, I come to a conclusion; he’s in love.

They are in love. He gives her little little gifts in neatly wrapped boxes with a big bows on them. He takes her to the beach. He hates the beach!

A few clicks of her at the beach, smiling joyfully. I’m sure she’s smiling at him. She gives him gifts, seal with kisses. Yes, I‘ve gone through all of their pictures.

I’m ashamed of myself for feeling this way. He was never romantic with me. I remember the cheap bouquet of flowers he sent me on my birthday. Never went out of the way to make me feel special. He always put friends and parties before me. I thought that was his way.

I was settling. I was settling for him, never realizing that I could do better. When I met him, I was shattered to pieces. But never revealed my true self to him. I always put up a show, keeping my shit together.

I remember when I said my first I Love You via whatsapp. Didn’t get a reply for a long time, but I saw him online he didn’t bother to open  my message. I yearned in desperation. Still wanting to be with him even after he cancelled our dinner plans. He was a no show sometimes. I was in pain, not loved and was not ready to accept that he was not that into me. He used to go missing for two, three days. I call. I message. They go unanswered. I was still holding on, miserably.

I was depressed and untouched. I went seeking medical attention. I never told him that. Never wanted him to see that I was a psycho. In my heart, I knew this relationship wasn’t going to work. I was hanging on by a thread. He continues to hurt me, ignore me, he cancels dates. A whole lot of pain there!!

Once, I traveled to his city, to be with him. We spent the night at a cheap hotel, made love, it didn’t feel right. Being with him, unknown city, in public, I felt ashamed to be seen with him. He was thin, long face, wore a gold chain and a bracelet, a few inches taller than I. His skin, the color of his skin felt dirty and then there’s me, clear tan skin, long black hair with big curls and an hourglass figure. We weren’t that matching couple where everyone went “Awww, you guys match” I wanted that. I wanted people to go “Aww”

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We made love in the back seat of his car a few times. The idea excites me. That was it. Now when I think about it, we never made love! There wasn’t enough passion between us. We weren’t in love and I wasn’t satisfied. So I went looking for satisfaction from someone else. He gives me the power to control him. I kept “HIM” a secret and at bay.

‘He was not that into me’

‘I wasn’t into him’ took a while for me to realize it though.

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I should stop stalking them. It’s been a longtime. I have moved on. He’s moving on now.

They found each other and they are happy. That’s fate. Love always finds a way. She would have gotten her heart broken as well back in the day by some guy. She would have been in my position. Heart broken and suicidal? Or was it just me who was suicidal?? He finds her. Rescues her from all her distress and takes pictures like this.

This is pure jealousy, coming out of my heart. I’m happy for her. Why can’t I be happy for him? I analyze me. I analyze ‘US’ We were never ‘US’. I remind myself. He was just a phase and I’m sure he knows that too.

We both have moved on. Happy and in love with our perfect match.

 

Where do I belong?

My head aches. Feeling of fever just keeps coming on and off. I’m distressed.

Inside my head I’m super busy.

Scheming and plotting sounds fun but not today. I’m Just trying to find ways to get out
of all these complicating in – law business.

I take deep breaths. Count to 10 so that I can stay calm. I’m distracted.

Need to get away from being harassed.

I want to take a stress free nap. A relaxed weekend without anyone nagging me for sleeping.

Work. At least I can have a piece of mind. So I force myself to go every day without taking any leave simply because I don’t want to stay in that house. I get stressed when he’s around. Has an opinion on everything I do and lectures me for hours about things which aren’t irrelevant to me.

‘Leave me the fuck alone’ wish I could say it out loud to his face.

‘Go harass someone else! Keep your filthy trap shut’

Peace. Doing my thing when I’m at home. Can I call it home? It’s ‘his’ house. He reminds me of it every time. The house, passed down to his son. So no movement there until continents apart.

The term “ours” cannot be used. If used he will correct it.

I’ve gotten fever.

My work phone keeps ringing. ‘What the fuck do these people want from me’ language is looked down upon since it’s a Christian organization. Sometimes I don’t give a damn. I’ve got too much going to care about my language. 

I’m angry all the time, at everybody. These people are innocent. Well most of them. There are two or three people I super hate and when they try to communicate with me for official matters, I turn into this raging bitch. I can feel the frown. It gives me a headache. But I keep frowning until the conversation is over. I do hate them but they sure don’t deserve my cruel frown. But I can’t stop.

I’m hurting. Feeling trapped. He broke me with his faults accusations and unnecessary lectures. Every day I have to find new ways to avoid contact with them at least until I gather what’s scattered.

 

 

 

 

 

Coot & I

I’m sad. I’m angry. Feel like crying for no reason. I have plenty of reasons.

Sigh.

I’m confused. I get angry and annoyed at the tiniest pinch. This has been my case for a few weeks now.

I was happily married until the in-laws decided that they want to come back and settle down with us. I was “in-law” free for a good 11 months.

Their house, It was ours.  I cooked, cleaned, fed the dog, watered the garden when the helper was on holiday, took out the trash, did laundry and we entertained and had amazing parties.

One fine day the old coot decided to challenge his boss, ended up retiring early and shipped back to the country with his wife. The wife is a sweet and simple little thing who kept to herself. I think the coot would have neutralized his wife’s personality. I haven’t observed her closely since I was busy dealing with the coot himself. His ego is fatter than a cow and I dislike the fact that I have to put up with the coots nonsense.

“Be patient and suck it up. This is how it works and they are good people” that’s what my mom & dad says all the time when I whine to them about the in-laws. I’m not satisfied with that answer but that’s the only advice you get and moving out is not an option. I’ve tried to persuade my husband about moving out but he’s not interested. Unless we move to another continent, which I’m not seeing happening any time soon. And even if we move to another continent, the coot will find a way to come there too.

My reign ended when the in-laws moved in and my freedom is limited. Actually I feel more like a prisoner now. I can’t do anything at my own will.

The coot fuses when I drive his son’s car.

The coot whines when I eat. But his son is allowed to eat and eat plate after plate. Drink and smoke with his friends. Party till late. No hum from coot when his son is busy doing all that.

The coot whines when I sleep till 8 or 9am in the mornings on weekends and holidays. He doesn’t mind his son sleeping till noon. He has indicated several times that I have to wake up at crack of dawn even on weekends and holidays.

“And do what?”

“What the actual hell”

Whenever he says something these are the exact things I mutter to myself. When will this all end?

Last Sunday, there was a power frailer at the house. The coot has been messing with everything in his house including electricity. Trying to fix things just because his board and jobless as home. I’m sure even the helper thinks that his pain in the arse. The helper has no choice but to comply all what his employer says.

While my husband, helper and coot was busy trying to figure out what had happened at the fuse box, I asked my husband if he switched off “our” television to be safe. At once the coot jumped in and said “it’s my television. It’s not yours”

I was shell-shocked at the reaction.

“wow” kept repeating in my head. I just got up and took my leave thinking the coot will haunt us all when he leave this world.

 

 

 

 

Self – destraction

Am I a slacker? I question myself very often now. Am I? Why can’t I be useful? Why not complete what I star and be someone? What is wrong with me? Think I have diagnosed myself. I have low self-esteem and regret. Yaps that’s what it is.

Well we all have our regrets. Should have. Could have. Would have and why’s.

  • I shouldn’t have waked off that amazing IT company.
  • I should have finished my studies.
  • Why did I cut all ties with my close friends?

As far as I remember, these are the main regrets in my life. most of all, I regret walking out of that amazing IT company. I would have been someone. Earning handsomely and getting two bonus a year and may be a little bit if travelling too. Now I’m stuck here. Earning peanuts. Taking shit from Christian hypocrites all because I have no choice. Sad but that’s the truth. My cv is just years of service with a high school diploma and certificate of a six-month course on marketing. I have a freaking wedding loan to pay, which I was forced to take because my husband wanted a big wedding. Yeesh. He could afford a big wedding and he wanted me to contribute as well. Selfish, isn’t it? He has given me all the comforts but sadly, I cannot afford myself. I do save a little bit after paying off the loan. I will be loan free in a good 3 years.

I’m stuck at where I work. Afraid to walk out and find a better paying job. Just don’t want more regrets. Afraid.“What If’s” control my life often. Who will want to hire me?

Last year, I started a small online clothes store. Had minor set-backs but by the tie they were resolved, I have lost interest. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I keep throwing more and  more “Why’s” at myself and keep drowning in self-pity. I’m destroying my own self.

“Slap”

Get over it and grow up.

Stop beating yourself down woman.

Stop!!!!!!

Regrets keep following me, day and night.

Enough!!!!!!

 

 

 

Is this life?

'Harry, do you remember how dull our lives were before we got the cat?'I’m sitting in one corner on the laptop surfing and my husband on the other corner playing FIFA 17, having a drink. This is how we spend most of our weekends and other little holidays. We haven’t said a word to each other for a good 3 so hours. In situations like this, usually I take the initiative in saying to him or give him a little peck when I pass his little throne, but today, I just didn’t bother doing any of that.Guess he didn’t bother too.  Made him a small bite to go along with his drink. He just took the plate and said nothing. I took my little share of bite and settled in a little corner and enjoyed South Park for a while and then I got bored.

Is this life? is this what marriage’s all about?? I know that you should give each other space to do our own thing but aren’t you suppose to do couple things together as well? Why are we slaves to our devices??? What happened to conversations?

My husband does not fancy going out. His hobby is playing on the PS, drinking and smoking. I’ve told him so many times to give up on his nicotine. We even ordered nicotine patches. He uses them only during the weekend but on top of that patch, he continues to smoke. Whats the point?? Seriously.He said he has limited his smoking for 5 cigarettes per day and it has remained 5 for the past 24 months. LOL. He doesn’t like me whining about it. So I stopped and backed off.

I love staying at home too but don’t mind doing couple activities, such as going on a date, movie or a walk occasionally. He doesn’t mind going out for dinner or drinks with HIS friends, of course he tags me along but don’t want to do couple activities. Even when I suggest going out, he flips. What gives dude? have asked him about it on several occasions and during several fights but haven’t gotten a solid answer.

Life has gotten so-so for me. Waking up in the morning, making breakfast, tea, shower and go to work and come back prepare dinner, make his cup of tea when he calls when his close by and go back to bed by 9.30pm since his too tired and exhausted. Well, I’m bloody exhausted too.  I can’t complain, and if I do, he will top it with how exhausted he is and say that my job isn’t important mainly because I earn peanuts. Sigh. I work as a personal assistant and to be honest the pay isn’t that great and so is my self-esteem and now I’m at war with a certain douche who wanted me to leave the jobs!!!  I’m not his rival. Still he declared war and tried to turn me against my new boss yesterday. Wow what a dramatic day that was.

Confused.

That’s my current stage. Trying to figure out where I belong.  Mainly, I’m trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life. Am I too late?

Little hypocritical insects

So there I was up at 5.30 in the morning and making waffles and just like that I decided that I’m taking the day off . In office things for me has gotten ugly.

It’s been one year since the management changed and things were getting bad to worse.I don’t know what or how I’m feeling but in general, I’m happy!

I’m married to this amazing guy who works hard and he loves and cares for me so much and I love him to bits, and then there’s my office life! It’s very bitter, dark and angry and my religious colleagues keeps triggering my anger towards them regularly.  Soon it will be five years working with these Christian buffoons.Just need to hang  on for another  six more months and my five-year will be completed.

Like everybody else, I need the money. I have a loan to pay, so walking out is just a big no, even though I have pictured it so many times in my head.

Initially working with these guys was amazing.  I didn’t get along with my boss the first two months but gradually I learnt and things were in place. It felt like home and we all were one big happy family.

Everything took a turn last September when my boss decided that it was time for him to retire from being the big CEO. He recommended a successor and said that he will be a good boss and will look after all of us well and take the company to the next level. It all turned out to be crap during the year.  I’m already fed up of being his Personal Assistant. He just sits in front of his computer and watches his bank account grow and pays his utility bills. For me, his just a blank vessel who does his bible devotions as soon as he gets to office. I’ve have categorized him as a silent yet deadly hypocrite! Be a good boss dammit. when I go to him for an opinion or a solution he directs me to the CFO. Ask the CFO he says. ‘WTF’ I keep repeating in my head. So now I look up to the CFO just like the rest of the flock. Help me, guide me, teach me dear CFO.

The change of management and its attitude has given the opportunity to other little hypocritical insects to emerge from its tiny black holes. There’s so much of drama and I just burst out when things are just looking abnormal.  In my heart I know that it’s time for me to move on. Just six months, I keep tell myself to calming my little heart. Six more months with these Christian hypocrites. And the best part is that they do everything by the name of the Lord! LOLmjaxmi05yjjhotzkmwmwmtm5yty3

Third Person

“Third person”
Are you that person?
When people refer to you as the third person or mistress,
How does that make you feel?
Does it bother you?
Or is it just another cock you sucked for the day?

They are in love.
Vows were exchanged,
They said “I do”

Relationships are not perfect.
I’m sure you know that.
Bumps and bruises, that’s what makes them stronger.
Stop throwing yourself at him.

Families are involved.
Try to care.
Do you even know what you are destroying?

Feelings, do you have them?
Do you even know her?
What she’s going through.

What if you are in her position someday?
How would you react then?
She’s a girl just like you. Remember that.
Sensitive and hopeful.
She has started to build her life,
One by one her dreams are coming true.
Don’t envy her, try to wish her well.
And one day your dreams will also come true.
So let him be, let them live their life in peace.
Just remember,
Being the third person, will not do you any good…

Strangers with memories

torn-apartA wolf dressed in sheep’s skin.
That’s who you are now.
So much darkness within you,
I wish you were dead.
There’s no room for forgiveness,
And will not consider forgiving you, forever!
You have scarred me for life.
In my head, I’m hunting you,
Getting ready to put you down in the most brutal way!

I Scream silently inside head.

You have cut me deep.
Signalized me among our own friends.
A hypocrite! That’s what you are.
A pretender at Sunday mass!
Standing proud yet wicked,
Making sure you are the boss and ahead of everyone.
That’s how you want things to flow.
Mentally and emotionally you used me,
And then threw me as if I was a piece of garbage.
I was your friend.
For the sake of popularity, you scarified me.
You scarified our friendship.
I got no regard for you anymore.
What you have built throughout these years,
Are on pretend foundation,
Eventually you will tire after holding on to such a heavy load.
I hope it’s all worth it because we are not friends anymore,
Just strangers, with memories…

Barely holding on

I realized that I am the biggest hypocrite of them all.
I tell everyone to keep holding on,
That there’s light at the end of the tunnel,
And that everything gets better as long as you continue to wait, patiently.
I keep telling people to have hope.
That they need to keep trying because it is too early to give up,
And that they have so much to live for.
Then there is me,
I am barely holding on.