Curiosity got the best of me today and yes, they are a couple, out in the open.
I’m stalking his facebook and comparing it with hers. When we last spoke he mentioned her, that they liked each other. I didn’t go to question him any further about it, not sure it it was a rebound or if he has really moved on and fallen in love. What’s in it for me? even if they are in love? Right????
I just want to feel it, the jealousy. I let it hover over me. I chose to be miserable. I can feel all the goodness and peace, leaving me.
It’s been two years. I’m happy and have moved on. I shouldn’t feel jealous of him?
Short hair. Braces. She’s cute. She looks sane and a devoted christian just like him. He likes cute. He likes posh.
He called me, 4 months back. We have a casual chat, it was awkward.I asked him if he’s seeing anyone. He said no but I knew and kept pushing for an answer and finally he gave in and admitted that he likes someone. I felt sad after we hung up. Why did I get upset? It was bound to happen. Get over it!
Just want to slap these feelings off of me and I keep reminding myself how I was treated by him. How I was neglected. But HER, he’s devoted to her.
By stalking them, I come to a conclusion; he’s in love.
They are in love. He gives her little little gifts in neatly wrapped boxes with a big bows on them. He takes her to the beach. He hates the beach!
A few clicks of her at the beach, smiling joyfully. I’m sure she’s smiling at him. She gives him gifts, seal with kisses. Yes, I‘ve gone through all of their pictures.
I’m ashamed of myself for feeling this way. He was never romantic with me. I remember the cheap bouquet of flowers he sent me on my birthday. Never went out of the way to make me feel special. He always put friends and parties before me. I thought that was his way.
I was settling. I was settling for him, never realizing that I could do better. When I met him, I was shattered to pieces. But never revealed my true self to him. I always put up a show, keeping my shit together.
I remember when I said my first I Love You via whatsapp. Didn’t get a reply for a long time, but I saw him online he didn’t bother to open my message. I yearned in desperation. Still wanting to be with him even after he cancelled our dinner plans. He was a no show sometimes. I was in pain, not loved and was not ready to accept that he was not that into me. He used to go missing for two, three days. I call. I message. They go unanswered. I was still holding on, miserably.
I was depressed and untouched. I went seeking medical attention. I never told him that. Never wanted him to see that I was a psycho. In my heart, I knew this relationship wasn’t going to work. I was hanging on by a thread. He continues to hurt me, ignore me, he cancels dates. A whole lot of pain there!!
Once, I traveled to his city, to be with him. We spent the night at a cheap hotel, made love, it didn’t feel right. Being with him, unknown city, in public, I felt ashamed to be seen with him. He was thin, long face, wore a gold chain and a bracelet, a few inches taller than I. His skin, the color of his skin felt dirty and then there’s me, clear tan skin, long black hair with big curls and an hourglass figure. We weren’t that matching couple where everyone went “Awww, you guys match” I wanted that. I wanted people to go “Aww”
We made love in the back seat of his car a few times. The idea excites me. That was it. Now when I think about it, we never made love! There wasn’t enough passion between us. We weren’t in love and I wasn’t satisfied. So I went looking for satisfaction from someone else. He gives me the power to control him. I kept “HIM” a secret and at bay.
‘He was not that into me’
‘I wasn’t into him’ took a while for me to realize it though.
I should stop stalking them. It’s been a longtime. I have moved on. He’s moving on now.
They found each other and they are happy. That’s fate. Love always finds a way. She would have gotten her heart broken as well back in the day by some guy. She would have been in my position. Heart broken and suicidal? Or was it just me who was suicidal?? He finds her. Rescues her from all her distress and takes pictures like this.
This is pure jealousy, coming out of my heart. I’m happy for her. Why can’t I be happy for him? I analyze me. I analyze ‘US’ We were never ‘US’. I remind myself. He was just a phase and I’m sure he knows that too.
We both have moved on. Happy and in love with our perfect match.